Why Relationships focusing on Compatibility fail

The world is fixated on finding compatibility in relationships. Dating apps will list traits and match you based on attributes like hobbies, professions, and taste in music. And they fail.

Why Shy

Why do people prioritize compatibility so much? How can we lean into single superficial traits like “house music”, “yoga” or “L2 blockchains” for such a complex life decisions. A basic level of compatibility is unarguably important: it leads to smoother communication and fewer misunderstandings. People gravitate toward what is familiar, they want to be validated. But most of the times, it’s a lack of consciousness of what that relationship will bring to the table, it’s not being in touch with their goals for that relationship, navigated through short-term gratification.

The Scientist

Although a base level of compatibility is important, what truly defines a good relationship is complementarity. In relationships, compatibility is like mathematics: seeks to find partners who fit neatly into predefined equations. It's about matching criteria, ticking boxes, and ensuring that all the pieces align. Like solving an equation, compatibility aims to achieve balance through similarity.

Complementarity, however, is like chemistry where elements combine in ways to create new compounds that are greater than the sum of their parts. Just like different elements bring their properties to a chemical reaction, individuals in complementary relationships bring their strengths, weaknesses, and perspectives. The mix of these differences causes this unforgettable love reaction. In a complementary relationship, partners don't need to fit into checkboxes, but they accept their differences and find ways to complement each other's strengths and weaknesses. While compatibility may offer a sense of security and predictability, complementarity allows for depth and expansion.

Undefined

To look for compatibility is so much easier. It goes like “I am A, so I need to find A”. But for complement? The options seem limitless, since that concept is so abstract. I guess it becomes a question of how one wants to evolve and be challenged toward their higher self. Choosing complementarity requires a willingness to let go of ego and embrace vulnerability. It can be scary when someone you love is pointing out your flaws and it's a process to be learnt.

So perhaps when looking for a partner instead of seeing "Where and who am I now" (seeking what is similar), one should think "Who do I want to be and how do I want to feel" (seeking for what they needed). In the latter process, even before finding that complementary partner, one will and should have reached a certain caliber to attract and attain that relationship. A caliber to give and to receive in the dance of love yin yan.