Proof of Love

Love story

We have so many romantic ideas about what love should be and one of the most destructive ones is the “mind-reading" expectation. Rom coms show these grand gestures or smaller expressions of love that usually are wholeheartedly accepted by the partner. The reality however, is much different and complex. 

Lost in translation

When meeting someone new, what we often encounter is a communication gap, as we express love, admiration, anger, or disappointment. We then quickly conclude that this person is not for us. Rooted in romanticism portrayed by entertainment, we expect that our ideal partner should be able to constantly know what our needs are and exactly how they can be met. 

I wanna know what love is

Love is a language taught at an early age by imperfect parents. Babies are programmed to translate most parental behaviors sourcing from love. Behaviors like indifference, or parents being tired, getting mad easily cannot be comprehended at in childhood. They are registered as familiar behaviors that will most likely later in life be sought after as traits in a romantic partner. Expressing and receiving love will vary greatly between humans who are compatible and complementary matches. Each one of us comes with a complex background of coping mechanisms, trauma, hopes and dreams. It is practically impossible to know and to predict what one needs at any given time as it is a sum of all that conditioning that came from parenting, and subsequent relationships that have shaped them through the years. Going into relationships and expecting mind-reading is a recipe for disaster.

Talk to me softly 

Given the romantic brainwashing in our modern society it becomes hard to be open with what we need. We feel shame for asking that we might want flowers or more cuddles after being intimate. We don’t want to explain that we feel loved when someone is expressive with their words or that we want to be complimented for our appearance more frequently. We find it hard to do because we think we will be perceived as needy and demanding, hence fear of abandonment. What is essential here is that both partners are on the same page when discussing these topics. It will be almost impossible to succeed in working through this if one person is openly asking for things and the other one is not. This requires vulnerability, which means being brave to be soft. This requires embracing all love languages. Contrary to popular belief and the obsession with mind reading, giving someone your love manual and having them read it is the ultimate proof of love.