Conflict: Catalyst for the Chemical Love Reaction

The Alchemist 

One thing about me is that I love conflict. Do not get me wrong: I hate fighting and I am not saying that conflict is pleasurable. But over time, I’ve identified conflict as a great and underrated guide to navigating my relationships and connections. 

Relationships are an alchemy, a dance of elements coming together to create something greater than the sum of its parts. If you weren’t a science nerd like me, let me remind you that chemical reactions like heat. Heat serves as a catalyst that accelerates the formation of bonds between atoms and molecules. In relationships, that catalyst is conflict,  breaking down barriers, and creating new bonds.

Bad name

It is romanticism that has created this expectation of happily ever after, when we actually have no idea what happens after the honeymoon phase in entertainment media. It is romanticism that has shown us that “If they were the one they would know what I need and I shouldn’t have to explain”. We expect our partners to mind-read. And this is all so wrong.

We were praised for being peaceful as children and being honest and open might have been judged as needy. The last thing we want is our partners to dismiss us for being needy or confrontational. The skills to navigate confrontation heavily depends on one's childhood environment, and also cultural background.  

But conflict isn't just about raising a voice, or butting heads until someone emerges victorious. It's about vulnerability and authenticity, about laying bare our fears and insecurities in the hopes of finding common ground again. It's about truly listening, to our partner's perspective and having the courage to speak our truth, even with a scared voice. Conflict is not as something to avoid or fear, but a necessity and valuable component of any relationship. It is a vehicle for growth, understanding, and ultimately, deeper connection between partners. It can come in all forms and shapes: it can feel tense, it can look warm and mellow, it can be wet in tears. 

Boxing ring or Diamond ring 

Embracing the opportunity of conflict not only will connect a couple further but will give insight into the potential duration of the relationship. Having an understanding of the way people argue is a great predictor of a relationship’s success. Do they bring up irrelevant baggage they know about me to hurt me and do they raise their voice? Do they seem eager to discuss this and resolve or do they seem to want to run away with the first difficulty that arises? Do they have patience? After all patience in time is the purest form of love.    

By addressing conflicts as they arise, couples can prevent resentment and frustration from building over time. Unresolved conflict can have detrimental effects on a relationship by creating emotional baggage that weighs heavily on both partners, leading to feelings of resentment that create barriers to intimacy and connection.

Diamonds are formed under pressure. So when that time of conflict comes, create a safe space and first check in with yourself and your intentions. It is okay to feel maybe a little anxious. This is a time to be vulnerable and sharing yourself authentically will create a sense of reciprocity and trust. Ask open-ended questions, be patient, and validate all feelings that arise from both sides.